Deepfried Thoughts on Control

One movie that I've watched a number of times which I really enjoyed was "Instinct" (Anthony Hopkins and Cuba Gooding Jr.). In one scene Anthony's character asks Cuba what "control" is and what he feels he is in control of. Anthony's character is trying to teach Cuba that control is an illusion. Powerful stuff, but it has me thinking... What do I control?

I've finally found the answer. The only thing I actually have complete control over is the remote control (as long as I have batteries). Think about it, I don't really control anything else. I can't choose my family, where I'm born, or what dispositions I'll be born with. We think we control our futures and bank accounts, but do we? I think we give ourselves a sense of control by how well we can roll with the punches. This may seem a little heavy, but this is the backdrop needed for me to make my point.

I realize there are certain events leading to the possession of the remote which are out of my control, such as losing it in the couch cushions or in the fridge freezer (long story), but once it's in my hands I finally have complete control. Now, I'm not saying that I have control of what I can watch because I don't. I can only watch what's on (unless I have PVR or TEVO), but I have complete control of which channel I waste my time on.

Maybe you haven't really realized the power you have when you possess the remote, but at your finger tips you have the power to instantly veto the shows and commercials you detest. You have the power to mute the world news or presidential speeches. You have the power to program the channels you would like to ignore. I'm probably missing some, but you get the point.

As I defend this claim, I realize that there exists a bit of a paradox. Excuse the stereotype (I know this isn't true for all women), but I always thought that women were kind of awed by men with power. If this is true why do women detest men who are "couch potatoes". Don't women realize the power that is being consolidated on those couches? The only way to be more in control than that is if you have a room full of guys and you have the remote control... that's power you can't buy my friend.

Well, I guess I'll leave you with a piece of advice men... You can give up your job, your family, your friends, even your freedom, but whatever you do don't let that controller out of your sight. It's the only thing you control absolutely!!!

Deepfried Thoughts on my Mexican Wrestling Mask

Usually, after a long hiatus from blogging I make up some overly dramatic story about where I've been or what I've been doing... However this time I thought I would spare you, and just tell you the truth. This is a big step for me, so here it goes... I've been travelling throughout the southwestern United States with a Geography class. It was a good time, and I learned some stuff too!!!

During this trip we spent a day in Mexico where I decided it was time I buy myself a Mexican wrestling mask. Now that I'm back in Canada (where Mexican wrestling hasn't really boomed yet), I'm looking for uses for my mask. I really don't want it to sit on the shelf and collect dust. Then it hit me!!!

I've decided to wear my mask when I teach. There are masked wrestlers, vigilantes, and even some doctors wear masks, so why not a masked teacher? It'll be great because I can teach by day, and when I run into students in the mall or the grocery store they won't recognize me. I'll wear the mask all day everyday while I'm at the school.

In order to improve the grades of my students I'll tell them that anyone who gets in A in my class gets to see my true identity at the end of the semester. The suspense will kill them. Unfortunately, they may be sadly dissappointed when they lift the mask and see this face under it! Anyway, that's my latest bright idea... Feel free to leave me your thoughts.

My CyberTwin

Have you heard of this program called "My CyberTwin"? This is a winner! What you do is load this program into your computer and it will chat with people online while you aren't at your computer. When you install the program it will ask you to answer a bunch of questions to develop a profile of you. Once it has established your profile, it'll use that profile to talk to people online as if it were you. This is definitely a new low. Obviously, I don't know the intricacies of this program, and I may be selling it short, but I will continue nonetheless.

There are a couple things I find quite funny about this. First of all, what if people start to like your online persona more than they like you? The next time you see your friend on the street, he or she says, "you're much nicer and much wittier to talk to online." That would be sad. Secondly, what if your CyberTwin decides to start giving out your personal information to random people on the internet? What if your CyberTwin starts buying things on E-Bay or Amazon.com?

Finally, it's funny to think that my CyberTwin may be chatting with other people's CyberTwins. While everyone is at work, their CyberTwins are chatting it up with each other all day. If I had CyberTwin, I'd be more interested in chatting with my CyberTwin than other people. I would be curious to see what my online persona would say based on the profile I'd created. Would he be witty or rude or condescending or what?

If you happen to find yourself chatting with me online for hours and I don't seem to be "myself", I'm probably just under the weather (tongue in cheek)... however, if I say something offensive or inappropriate than you're probably talking to my CyberTwin... hmmm... this could come in handy.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

"Just one more drink and then I'll drive you home."

[Have a suggestion for a caption? Leave it in the comments]

Deepfried Thoughts on Superman

Last night I watched "Superman Returns" (for the second time), and realized that there were a couple questions lingering in mind at the rolling of the credits. They weren't so much about the movie per se, but about the character superman in general.

In the 70's there was a race between Russia and France to create a supersonic passenger jet, but the projects were later abandoned because of certain difficulties involving weight, fuel economy, wind drag, and noise. It's this noise problem that I would like to focus on. The problem was that when these jets would break the sound barrier they would create a sonic boom which was way too noisy to have happening over populated areas.

I noticed in the Superman movie that he would create a sonic boom when he would break the sound barrier. I love Superman as much as anyone else, but if I were a resident of Metropolis I would get sick of hearing sonic booms every time Superman went to save someone. Has he ever considered the noise pollution he's creating?

Have you noticed how hard Superman can blow? All I want to say about this is get away from him if he looks like he's going to sneeze, burp, or fart (think about it).

Another thing I would like to comment on is the whole cape thing. Notice how Clark Kent is always wearing his Superman suit underneath his suit. What does he do with his cape? It's not hanging out of the back of his suit jacket and don't you think people would notice if you had a whole cape tucked into your pants?

I think it's the whole suit under his clothes that bugs me. Does he have his boots on in his shoes? Does he empty his pockets everytime he ditches a torn apart suit on the street? It wouldn't be wise of him to leave Clark's ID in the pockets when he ditches the suit and tie. And what happens to his glasses when he's Superman? Maybe he should think of getting some sort of locker to store his belongings in.

Do You Smell Something?

I didn't expect to get any comments on my lastest blog because it's been such a long time since my last one. However, it seems that a couple people (namely, my brother and Mike) wasted no time in correcting the apparent flaws in my post. First of all, I'm sorry for the oversight, on my part, of the fact that people actually enjoy their own farts. I had considered this, but hoped that people might look past this and just enjoy a good laugh over a blog about farting. It seems I underestimated my (2 person) audience.

I will now try to defend my position. I think it may be an urban myth that people actually "enjoy" their own flatulence (by "enjoy," I simply mean "endure"). The only reason people can endure their own flatulence is because they know it's theirs. If you were sitting in a room where a SBD was released you'd be fine with it (as long as you thought you owned it). When you found out that the smell was actually from someone else you would start to engage in what has been called the "dry-heaves". On the other side of the coin, if you caught a whiff of a horrific smelling bubble of stale flatulence, but then remembered that it was from you, you would suddenly be okay with it.

I have a hard time believing that someone could identify their own fart. If presented with a number of farts, could a person identify theirs? I think I will work on an experiment that will give me an answer to this question. It'll be akin to that of the Pepsi/Coke taste test. If you bottled your fart and the fart of a buddy, would you in fact be able to tell the difference? My guess is "no".

...Following this blog I may never have another date in my life. Was it worth it? Probably not, but in the name of science, let the games begin!

"Self-flatulence"

Many groups of differing religious and cultural backgrounds have been known to practice a certain ritual called self-flagellation. This is where a person hits him/herself with some sort of whip to inflict pain on themselves for different reasons. In conversation the other day, someone accidentally said self-flatulation when they meant self-flagellation (I think it was a mistake, or maybe I just missed the joke). Anyway, this struck me as a word that is worthy to be the word of the day.

The word of the day is "Self-Flatulence". This is a word to describe a certain sacrificial act in which you personally inflict torturous pain upon your own nostrils for the sake of causing many others extreme miscomfort. It is akin to that of suicide-bombing, but on a much lesser scale (no one dies, I hope). Imagine yourself stuck in a small office meeting or a small elevator surrounded with people whom you have great disdain for, but lack the power to express your contempt without being demoted or fired. This is the perfect situation to initiate "self-flatulence".

A true master of "self-flatulence" is one who can remove the "self" just before the foul act is detected by others. You unleash your SBD (silent-but-deadly) "friend" upon the unsuspecting victims, but before they detect your trap, you leave the room. This way they all start to suspect each other, but noboby will have the guts to accuse anyone else and the mystery remains unsolved. But I digress because "self-flatulence" without the "self" is only flatulence, and that is not what I'm addressing here.

If you are truly a penitent person who wishes to suffer for the pain and suffering you've caused others (due to not showering, or burping in public, or blowing your nose on your sleeve), a just punishment may be "self-flatulence" (Self-flagellation would be too extreme a punishment... unless, you really really stink). The way to accomplish this is to eat a bucket full of KFC chicken, a Big Mac meal and 2 litres (for Americans, half a gallon) of Coke, then lock yourself in a closet and wait for the fireworks to start. Trust me, soon you will be fully repentant for your short-comings and ready to become a better person.

This form of self-inflicted punishment seems unnecessary or inhumane to many people, but just remember that some evils in this world are necessary... which brings me back to the word of the day "self-flatulence"... You can leave a comment right after you pull my finger!